Living my life out loud!!

The date is April 27, 1982. I have been set up on a blind date and just a little nervous as I stood in the bathroom of my parent's house getting ready. "He likes preppy girls" my friend told me, so there I was, all dolled up in what would have made Lisa Birnbach, author of "The Official Preppy Handbook" proud. I walked into an unknown apartment in Roger's Park, Illinois (a section of the city of Chicago) to meet a cute 16 year old with a mouth full of braces, a beautiful head of light brown, curly hair and a fabulous smile, complete with dimples. This young man would steal my heart. This young man and I would spend the next 8 years of our lives tied to the hips, spending as much time as we possibly could with each other, until 8 years, 1 month and 6 days later we would be wed at my church in front of our friends, family and God. 20 years, 7 months and 8 days later we would be officially divorced and ending our more than 28 and a half years of life together. Yes, Roger and I are now divorced.

There, I said it out loud for the first time, and even though, as I will tell you, it is a good thing, those words still stick in my throat. Will I ever get used to hearing them? Will I ever get used to knowing that I am a "divorcee"? I don't know. What I will tell you is that I am full of mixed emotions today. I am sad. Sad that we couldn't make the long haul and that I truly believed I would stay married to Roger for the rest of my life, growing old with him by my side, but I am happy. I am happier than I have been in a very long time and that feels great.

I tried. I tried and tried for what feels almost like an eternity to "fix" us. I prayed. I prayed and prayed for hours, through tears, through anger, through unbelievable grief to my God to "please, just let me be happy with Roger" until one day I finally realized (or was it the voice of God that I finally listened to) that in order for me to be happy, to have the life I wanted and all the beautiful things in it I was dreaming of, I needed to walk away. To start new. To begin to live. To be reborn in a sense. Today is my birthday, not the day I was divorced. I will tell you too, that Roger and I are better "friends" now than we have been in a long time...funny, isn't it? He did fix us.

It's an interesting thing, faith and God and all that entails. Here I was, begging and pleading and thinking that He wasn't answering me, when in fact, all he was saying to me, and all that I was resistant to hear and believe was, have faith. I know that God was waiting for me to take my leap of faith in Him. He was going to provide all that I needed and be my soft ground to land on if I just trusted enough in the fact that maybe, just maybe what I had planned for my life was not what He was planning. That He would give me my hearts desire if I had enough faith in Him to provide it. It took me a very long time but I finally realized that in order for me to have it all, I need to let go of it all. Just as He promises, He took care of me. The strength and happiness I felt, as soon as I made the decision to walk away from Roger and to a new life is something I can never put into words. I am filled with such power and contentment that I am ashamed I waited and hesitated so long. Trust me when I say that I will never doubt again. I place all of my life into His hands for I know that "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." He never failed me. He fixed "us", just not in the way I imagined....

So, today I say goodbye. Not goodbye to Roger. I'll always hold a special place in my heart for him. He is the father of my child and for that alone, I will always care about him. I spent over half of my life (to date) with him in it, and I refuse to ruin all of those years by holding onto anger and bitterness. I don't want to hate. I refuse to hate. I also refuse to focus on the bad (gosh knows we have certainly had our share of the bad), but to focus on the many wonderful memories of my life with him. I would not be the person I am today were it not for Roger in my life. I will always be grateful for having him. I will always look back in fondness on the years I spent with him and all that he gave to me and that I gave to him. My wish for my life is that he and I will remain friends, that we will always be able to talk to each other, remember all the good times shared and smile for those moments. So, thank you Roger. Thank you for the life we shared and the goodness we had.

It's taken a long time for me to "announce" to the world what was going on with me. I have changed (recently) my blog to reflect my intention for the rest of my life. Like I said, today is my birthday! Today is the day that I begin to "Live my life out loud", today is the gift I unwrapped from God and grabbed onto with both hands.....ready to face the world and my life full on!

I've have also received some amazing blessings and I'll be happy to share them here soon. But for now, let me just say goodbye, and also, let me say hello. Hello Vicki, your life is waiting for you, come, take ahold and enjoy!

Until next time,
blessings!